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# Attachment Styles Deep Dive w/ Doctor K [Source](https://youtu.be/FAzsArI7QJo?si=7s85w0z8fXquG0OS) ### Commons - Attachment theory is backed by neurobiology and physiology. - About 50% of people are securely attached, 25% anxiously attached, 20% avoidantly attached and other 5% have disogranized attachment. ## Attachment system basics It's about the way we (humans) form bonds. It generally has 4 variations. 1. Securely attached. (Healthiest form). ~50% of people. 2. Axniously attached. ~25%. 3. Avoidantly attached. ~20%. 4. Disorganizedly attached. ~5. (not discussed) ### Securely attached. Example: Take Parents and child. If parents are available and provide what's needed. Child gets securely attached. Simple as that. ### Anxiously attached. (Inconsistency) When childrens' need sometimes get met and sometimes not. It's not reliable, not assuring. So children start to amplify their signals of distress by crying, temper tantrums. Fear of abandonment a.k.a *Anxious attachment* forms. ### Avoidant attachment style. Another thing that can happens is: a child can learn that when they are emotionally vulnerable and try to bond (connect) with other people they'll get punished. So, they'll go "When I cry, when I try to get my needs met, I tend to get ingored." And this results in *Avoidant Attachment*. In this situation, the child fundamentally **fears** connection. Another example is when a kid invites their parents to a foodball game to cheer up for him/her. And if parents are unsupportive they, may not show up. In this case, children might start to internalize that being vulnerable and connecting with another human being is dangerous. They start to retrieve away from the relationship. I wanna connect -> becomes vulnerable -> gets hurt -> Avoidant ### Disorganized attachment. This occours in cases of severe neglect or trauma. It has a lot of variability and heavliy depends on the circumstances. It gets so individual that it's hard to generalize. Thus, not talked in this session. ## What they look like ## Shared by both styles (Anxious and Avoidant) The core is: there's a *signal* that brain interpretes as danger. Which in response triggers a persons **attachment style behaviours**. For anxious this signal could be the partner **pulling away**. And for the avoidant, it's someone **getting close**. ### Anxiously attached Usually afraid that if they don't do the right thing, their partner will leave. In order to get their needs met, they **Amplify** their signals. These people usually have *gravidational strategies* (listed later). ### Avoidantly attached Tries to reduce the emotional connection. Emotional connection is basically danger for them. They view relationships as two separate people coexisting (like roomates). Usual thougt process is like: I have my life and you have yours separately. Shows in behaviours like: separata bank accounds, not moving in together, not defining the relationship. May use a very legitimate excuse to **subconscoisly** avoid bonding with another person. An example is they could be very work focused. While it is very reasonable and legit thing to say, 20% of people out there could be using such excuses without knowing they are doing it. Challanges: - Sends mixed signals (craves relationships but once reached they get scared) - Uncompromising views of relationships (no middle ground) - Idealization / Fantasy (search of the perfect one) - Poor at articulating emotions or experiences () Mixed signals: One reason for mixed signals is internal conflict. As all human beings require emotional intimacy (bods). But avoidants get burned by bonding with other human beings. Idealization: They might want a perfect person because they believe that it's meet their emotional needs. This may result in criticism followed by devaluing their partner and being naggy. They may make comparisons (not always articulated). Hyperfocus on small mistakes. Conflicts: - Explosions - Withdrawal

Attachment Styles Deep Dive w/ Doctor K

Source

Commons

Attachment theory is backed by neurobiology and physiology.
About 50% of people are securely attached, 25% anxiously attached, 20% avoidantly attached and other 5% have disogranized attachment.

Attachment system basics

It's about the way we (humans) form bonds. It generally has 4 variations.

Securely attached. (Healthiest form). ~50% of people.
Axniously attached. ~25%.
Avoidantly attached. ~20%.
Disorganizedly attached. ~5. (not discussed)

Securely attached.

Example: Take Parents and child. If parents are available and provide what's needed. Child gets securely attached. Simple as that.

Anxiously attached. (Inconsistency)

When childrens' need sometimes get met and sometimes not. It's not reliable, not assuring. So children start to amplify their signals of distress by crying, temper tantrums. Fear of abandonment a.k.a Anxious attachment forms.

Avoidant attachment style.

Another thing that can happens is: a child can learn that when they are emotionally vulnerable and try to bond (connect) with other people they'll get punished. So, they'll go "When I cry, when I try to get my needs met, I tend to get ingored." And this results in Avoidant Attachment. In this situation, the child fundamentally fears connection. Another example is when a kid invites their parents to a foodball game to cheer up for him/her. And if parents are unsupportive they, may not show up. In this case, children might start to internalize that being vulnerable and connecting with another human being is dangerous. They start to retrieve away from the relationship.

I wanna connect -> becomes vulnerable -> gets hurt -> Avoidant

Disorganized attachment.

This occours in cases of severe neglect or trauma. It has a lot of variability and heavliy depends on the circumstances. It gets so individual that it's hard to generalize. Thus, not talked in this session.

What they look like

Shared by both styles (Anxious and Avoidant)

The core is: there's a signal that brain interpretes as danger. Which in response triggers a persons attachment style behaviours. For anxious this signal could be the partner pulling away. And for the avoidant, it's someone getting close.

Anxiously attached

Usually afraid that if they don't do the right thing, their partner will leave. In order to get their needs met, they Amplify their signals. These people usually have gravidational strategies (listed later).

Avoidantly attached

Tries to reduce the emotional connection. Emotional connection is basically danger for them. They view relationships as two separate people coexisting (like roomates). Usual thougt process is like: I have my life and you have yours separately. Shows in behaviours like: separata bank accounds, not moving in together, not defining the relationship. May use a very legitimate excuse to subconscoisly avoid bonding with another person. An example is they could be very work focused. While it is very reasonable and legit thing to say, 20% of people out there could be using such excuses without knowing they are doing it.

Challanges:

Sends mixed signals (craves relationships but once reached they get scared)
Uncompromising views of relationships (no middle ground)
Idealization / Fantasy (search of the perfect one)
Poor at articulating emotions or experiences ()

Mixed signals: One reason for mixed signals is internal conflict. As all human beings require emotional intimacy (bods). But avoidants get burned by bonding with other human beings.

Idealization: They might want a perfect person because they believe that it's meet their emotional needs. This may result in criticism followed by devaluing their partner and being naggy. They may make comparisons (not always articulated). Hyperfocus on small mistakes.

Conflicts:

Explosions
Withdrawal